Ask a therapist

06 Feb Ask a therapist

Q: I’m an introverted artist and it seems that the art world awards extroversion. Meaning people that are out all the time at openings and artist talks networking are more successful. How can I move from being introverted to extroverted? My career depends on it!

Dear Fellow Traveler,

Want to know a secret?  I’m terrified of public speaking.  The pounding heart, the drunk-dizzy-sweating-profusely kind of afraid that grips me in a vice and paralyzes me. Eventually, I somehow pull from the deepest places of belief in myself, I gather my courage, and find enough voice to eke out words—even as the group stares intently at me,

judging if I’m worth a listen.

You know what else scares me? Attention directed at me by multiple people at once.

The awkward two minutes of ick when a group of loved ones sings a very long “Happy Birthday To You,” as my eyes try to find a place to settle and I plaster a smile to my face. The unexpected embarrassment of showing my engagement ring to a group of squealing co-workers asking me a barrage of questions all at once. Or sharing any of my personal creative whims—charcoal drawings and watercolor paintings of animals, lopsided pottery, videos on psychology, therapy, and philosophy posted on social media… even writing this column.

I could share similar experiences of my discomfort in large crowds, with intense background noise, or among unfamiliar people in unfamiliar places.

Myers-Briggs, a self-report inventory that identifies people’s personality type based on Carl Jung’s psychological theory, tests me as an ENFJ: Extroverted. Intuitive. Feeling. Judging.

I’m 67% extrovert. Sixty-seven. Not barely over the line, not a mixed result of introverted/extroverted, but rather… “Elizabeth, you are, in fact, an extrovert.” I could run the gamut of other personality inventories that suggest I’m that fun loving, big parties, look at me, look at me type of girl, even though I feel anything but that in my heart.

I suspect I test as an extrovert because I generally like people. I am a hugger, a smiler, and I love to help. I can go to a big concert or Disneyland and feel extraordinarily energized by either experience, despite the large crowds and noise I find so unnerving. So where does that leave me? I am an extrovert who is at times shy, uncomfortable with attention, afraid, and insecure.

As a human and a therapist for many years I have also witnessed…

• Introverts who have many acquaintances, colleagues, and friends,
• Introverts who are famous and wealthy,
• Introverts who perform,
• Introverts who have a large presence in public and on social media,
• Introverts who are successful despite the need to put themselves out there.

That last one has me thinking of you, fellow traveler… From the little I hear in your question, a few things seem evident: You are an introvert, you create art, and your art is not meant to be locked away in your palace for the sheer joy of creation. Rather, your art needs to be seen.

What great news!

Just as I have trouble believing I’m an extrovert, you have similar complexities. You’re a human, complete with nuances and contradictions. You’re an introvert, yet your passion for your art compels you to share it with the world. Perhaps on Saturday nights you prefer to be alone on a cozy couch with a good book or to fly solo in your studio with a paintbrush and a canvas (or your guitar, your pen, your suite of design software, etc.) as opposed to attending an art opening and making chit-chat with strangers.

But something drives you to share your art, to share YOURSELF, and I wonder what it is. Whether it is monetary benefit, making a name for yourself, or a deep belief that your contribution matters, seek out that motivation and harness that energy—and bring it to all those places where the extroverts collect their rewards.

Aside from motivating yourself spiritually, there are practical steps you can take.

Maybe for you, it’s best to start by sharing your work with a group of intimates and contemporaries you select, then move into attending some smaller events, knowing that bigger opportunities will be there when you’re ready for them. When I was looking to be placed for my therapist associateship, I remember networking tirelessly with many different important people that all seemingly held the key to my future. Even as an extrovert, I was overwhelmed. Every time I would have a lively conversation with one person, I would step outside to be alone and breathe, notice the sun and fresh air, have a moment of quiet reflection before I dove back in to do it all over again.

Instead of trying to convert to extroversion, think about how introversion has served you in this world. Honor how you gain your energy and what replenishes it; be curious about your preferences and contradictions. When is it insecurity that’s operating upon you? When do you just need time to recharge?

You know how some people eat corn on the cob like a typewriter and some people eat in circles? Either way the corn gets eaten. Likewise, enter the market introverted or extroverted you can still find your way to get the job done.

How have you navigated these challenges in the past—and what has led to success? How do you want to participate in the art world not just as an introvert, but as a complex nuanced being, with fears and preferences, victories and failures, and, most of all, something to be seen?

The answers to these questions are within you. Trust yourself to follow their guidance.

“There are times when I am an extrovert and periods when I am an introvert. It’s a very natural progression, in and out, kinda like the tide.” —Bjork

Humbly Yours,

Kind Therapist

Elizabeth Armstrong MA, LMFT can be contacted at her website: https://www.elizabetharmstrongtherapy.com/